i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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