Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
