A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
