You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
