ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
