so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
