So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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