I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
