Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
