my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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