the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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