I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
