now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
