All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
