Jerry, you need to find god
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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