my mouth tastes like poor choices
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
