This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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