I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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