Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
