since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
