It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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