he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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