theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
