We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
