new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
