she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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