Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
