new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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