We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
