fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
