Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
why do cheetos always look like penises
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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