Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
