Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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