This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
