Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
