any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
