so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
