i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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