nut hugger
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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