my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
