Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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