I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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