So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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