You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
