Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
