I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
