Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
