i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
