I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
