I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
