Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
