The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
