his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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